Happiness is a form of courage.

I should really learn to take my own advice. I can't believe I let myself get so caught up in everything except what was important. I didn't even realize it. The people that I had been surrounding myself with were not the best. I had fun. A lot of it. Too much really. I feel like I lost myself for a minute. It didn't scare me until I looked at the big picture. I had to delete half my family from Facebook just so they couldn't see how much I'd been partying. That should have been my first clue. And it was the wrong kind of partying. There's nothing wrong with a drink every now and then, especially on occasion, but I was out of control. Honestly though, I'm glad I went through all that again. It was just another life lesson for me. Something I never want to go back to. But it was all done in good timing. So, no regrets.

Daniel, the last boy I posted about, just another one of my flings. Surprise surprise. He was no good for me anyway. He did help me wake up to see who I was becoming, however. So again, no regrets. On the other hand.. here I go again. Posting about another boy. Except he's not a new one. I'm seeing Brett again. Honestly, I couldn't be happier. I was happy when we were together the first time around. We just weren't ready to be so committed. So we went our separate ways, had too much fun, grew up a little, and just happened to reconnect. Lucky us. (:

We ran into each other about two months ago and a week later we hung out and it was like nothing had ever changed. We've been pretty much inseparable since. We both had a few ties to cut, but they're cut now and we're both happily dedicated. Things are better this time. We just got so burnt out from the crazy six months we spent apart, that we both know that we're both ready. We know so much about each other now and we still accept who we are. There's so much comfort in our relationship. And any partying that either of us feel the need to do, we're gonna do together. And neither one of us would have it any other way.

I'm a different kind of happy now. There's contentedness behind it. And that's such a good feeling. ♥ ♥ ♥

Do What You Feel In Your Heart to Be Right. You'll Be Criticized Anyway.

Lesson learned... NOT! You know how I JUST said I'm not going to post anymore about guys.. I lied. Part of me is kicking myself for it, but I figure this is my blog, this is my life! Why lie about it?
Everything changes with time, including the people coming in and out of our own little worlds.

Two weeks later: I've found myself with a boyfriend. I'm completely okay with this. I'm actually pretty happy about it. Pretty sure we have a damn near textbook relationship. We started off friends, hung out for a bit, saw something more and now here we are. I'm happy. He's happy. That's good for me. My friends say they've seen me act this way before. But my family says they can see the difference. Something about my eyes.. I don't know. I want it to be different. I feel different. It's never really phased me to think of someone not being around, but to think of him gone just doesn't feel right. I suppose only time will tell.

Sam moved away. I've cried a few times about it. We still probably talk just as much as we did before she left. It's just sad now knowing we can't see each other whenever we want or accepting that all the crazy things we did are just said and done. Her move was for the better though. She may not be completely satisfied just yet, but she will be. And I'm happy for her.

I started my new job at the orthodontics office. I absolutely love it. By the end of next month they will have promoted me to an assistant. I'm so stoked about this. It's what I want to do with my life, how I could I not be happy? And I quit Home Depot. It was stressing me out way too much. They were getting super strict and I have too much I want to do this summer. I can't be requesting time off all the time. But I left on a good note so maybe when winter rolls around I can go back. I don't know about all that just yet though.

Living at home isn't all that bad. I'm hardly here. I spend most my time at work or with Daniel or Lauren. Except when I have Kaiden, home is where I will spend most my time. That and Ashley's. Life is good at the moment. I've got a great job, good friends, a loving family, and an amazing boyfriend! I don't dare ask for more.

Live the Life You Want to Live

You would think I would learn by now. Not to post stupid stuff that probably wont apply three months from now. Maybe I'll learn this time. Things with Brett and I fell apart- a long time ago. Neither one of us were ready to settle down. Period. I love my single life and it took dating Brett to figure that out. It actually kind of scares me to think about settling down. I don't want to. Ever. And that scares me even more. Either way- I'm not going to post about any guy any more! No matter how smitten I think I may be. It always ends the same. They become too attached, it pushes me away, he'll end up heart broken and I'll end up feeling bad and with one less friend. I hate this never ending cycle. But what do you do?

On another note. I granted Dustin primary custody. Our visitation isn't changing so I'm completely okay with this. I love Kaiden more than anything but I'm a big enough person to admit that Dustin is a better father than I am a mother. I'm not a bad mom by any means. But Dustin doesn't see life outside of Kaiden and I want what's best for him. I'll still see him just as much as Dustin will and when it comes time for Kaiden to go to school it's in the divorce papers that Kaiden has to go to school wherever I live. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I started college last January. I was just going in for my generals. I really liked school. But I got offered a position at an orthodontics office and that's what I was aiming my schooling toward so I don't think I'll be returning fall semester. I'm sure one day I will go back to school but for now I'm just going to focus on making money and establishing my own life.

Sam is moving to SLC in like two weeks.  I'm going to miss her so much. We honestly don't even hang out that much now but she's still my best friend and it's really going to suck not having her around to talk to! Even my friend Mike is moving away. But I guess him and I aren't really the same anyway. I'll have Heather, we've seemed to grow pretty close lately but I'm supposed to be the one she comes to, not the other way around. And Lauren is still here.. but we've also drifted apart. We just have different interests now. People change I guess. I have. But I like the new me. I'm trouble. But I like it.

Everything always works out.

Looking back at everything I've posted, I'd like to delete all of it. None of it applies anymore. Life has changed so much, it's unbelievable. Dustin and I are separated. Have been for some time now. Our relationship changes. Some days we hate each other, but most we're still friends. I think we may have a better relationship now than we ever have. He's living down in Vegas, with my family... slightly weird. But he's got a good job and I know Kaiden is being well taken care of when he's there. Kaiden is so big! He's starting to talk now and he's got such a personality. I miss him when he's gone. Dustin and I trade off every two weeks. It works. For now. He's a pretty good kid. He lights up my life.

But because Dustin moved out, I needed Sam and Jessi to move in and help pay rent. That changed everything. They say that moving in with your friends will ruin your relationship. But it's finding out who they really are is what ruins it. Long story short I no longer associate with Jessi or Lauren. Sam and I are still okay. It's just the two of us that live together now. But I'd rather have it this way. It's amazing how many fake people are in your life. I've about rid of all of mine. Thank God. I've learned a lot though. About people and life. I have no regrets about anything. I can't think of a time when life has been better for me. I can think of ways to make it better, but they're just little things.

I got promoted at work. I am now a corporate merchandiser. I love it. I set up displays and make the store shoppable. We travel to all three southern stores, and I love driving so it works out! I bought a new car too. It's an 03 Mazda Protege. It's so perfect! Runs like a dream. :)

On another note, the best note, I've met a boy and he is absolutely perfect. His name is Brett. I met him through work. He was shopping back when I was still cashiering. We happened to be walking next to each other in the same direction. I noticed this cute little girl bobbing up and down next to me, so I looked and smiled. Then I looked up to see who's hand she was holding. He was staring at me. I blushed and looked away. He asked a mutual friend of ours for my number, and we've been inseparable since! It's only been about a month since we've met, but I just know we're meant for each other. I know I sound crazy but I don't care. When you know, you know. No one has ever made me so happy. All he has to do is be in my presence and I feel like I'm sitting on top of the world. It's not even right! But I don't mind. He feels the same way about me. We've felt this way since day one. That's how I know this is going to last. I'm so excited about it. I just love his family. His mom is absolutely adorable. I even look forward to spending time with her. I can't wait for the day I can just go hang out with her without weirding Brett out. :) I like being around the rest of his family too. We get along great. Family vaycays and reunions will be great! And then his daughter Layni is just gorgeous. She looks like Kaiden :) She'll be five two days before Kaiden turns two. She's got quite the personality herself. I was terrified to meet her. I was so afraid she wouldn't like me. But she loved me just as much as I loved her! Her and I will have a good time I think. Kaiden will love her. Everything has just worked out so well since I've met Brett. I haven't stopped smiling. I doubt I ever will. We've both made it clear that neither of us will be going anywhere anytime soon. I know I sound so crazy. Maybe even a little creepy haha but I don't care! I'm so happy. It's ridiculous. :)

So, life's good. And I only see it getting better.

Life as it is.

So much I'd like to say. But I'm just not ready to talk about it. We're in Cedar. I love my job. I love my home. And I love my friends and family. It seems like everything is going pretty well. I've shed about ten pounds since I've been here. Made a few new friends. Joined a softball league. Dustin has a job. I think he likes it okay. I know he loves working. Kaiden is just getting so big. He just walks and walks. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. Life is okay right now. And I intend on keeping it that way.

It's Not What If, It's What Now

So, I got the job. Yay me right? Right. Don't get me wrong. I am very excited to be living back in Utah. But, I am not looking forward to the moving. That sucks. I'm not looking forward to being stressed out about a babysitter until May. That sucks as well. Dustin had an interview last week. He thinks it went rather well. He has a 'hookup' there, so chances are likely. It'd be full time, like my current job, and he'd be making the same as I am now. I'm very proud. I know he would be ecstatic if he got it. Bad part is, we won't know until mid-April if he got it or not. But at least I can be 'free of worry' about a babysitter. Kinda. Anyway, Thursday is my last day, and that night we're headed up to Utah because I have orientation Friday morning. Not even one day off. Ha figures :) I am excited to get some quality time in with my sisters and BFF's. :) I'm joining a softball league with my sister Ashley, and we're going to start scrapbooking. I've wanted to try that for a while. I think it should be way fun! I'm trying to convince Dust that we should come back down for Easter, to spend time with my mom's side of the family, and then everyone can properly say goodbye to Kaiden. I do kind of feel like a jerk for taking him away. Everyone just loves him... but I can't leave him. Haha Even if I could, I wouldn't. So, this is where we are now. In the process of moving. New job. New home. And hopefully a new car before long. :) What's that saying? All is well that ends well? We'll see!

We Can't Live Off Of What If's

This morning, I got an email from my boss saying that things over at the other office were crazy. That they're getting overflowed with candidates trying to apply. We've had 73 people apply this week. Eight of which should have gone to my office to apply, and one of which who actually did. That doesn't look so great. It's hard to tell what that means. Everyone over there is agitated and everyone just wants things to be back the way they were. Too bad none of them have a say in it. The owner will make the last decision. He has no idea what they are going through. All he wants to do is save money, which it's too early to tell if he will. We're only four days in. We have the whole rest of march to thin out this situation. No one really knows what's going to happen. 

I do, however have an interview this Saturday in Cedar City. I'd be making three dollars less than I do now, and it'd be part time instead of full. After my interview, I have an appointment with a landlord on this great two bedroom twin home. At a great price! I am absolutely in love with this place. It would be SO nice for Kaiden to have his own room again, and to get all of his toys out of my cluttered living room! I have a really good feeling that I'll get this job no problem, great right? It would be.

Here's my problem. We don't know for sure IF they are going to be shutting down my office. What IF they don't, and I take the job in Cedar? Then I could have kept my job making good money in a studio apartment. But, what IF they do close it down and I stay because no one knows for sure what's going to happen? Then I'd be out of a job. I would much rather be in Cedar. I am so much happier there. I had a hard time leaving in the first place. The only reason I did, was because of the job I have now. But IF I lose this job, what's holding me back? It's a tough situation. I think I know what I have to do. I just don't want to disappoint anyone. I need to do what's right for my family. I hope everyone can respect that, even IF they think it's not the right choice. I hate What If's.